A Smart Scourge for a Silly, SAWCY FOOL. BEING An Answer to a LETTER, at the End of a Pamphlet of Lionell Lockyer, (quondam and lately) Botcher, now (tandem aliquando, nuper quidem) drest up with the Title of Licensed PHYSICIAN.
New Vamp't with a Coat of Armes, The three BORES HEADS.
Whether Bought, Begg'd, or Stollen, it concerns not the AUTHOR.
By G. S. M. D. and Philosopher by the Fire.
In way of Epistolical Discourse to the unknown Writer of that Letter.
SIR:
MEeting with a new Impression of the Advertisement, concer∣ning Lockyers Bauble, (Titled by the name of Pillula Radiis Solis extracta) in praise of which he hath stitcht up the names of as many Diseases, all curable by that trifle, (or else the Knave and Fool lies) as ever he made use of patches for the Botching up a Beggars Coat, (to which sort of people, as my undeniable Information assures me, he was at the best of his former Condition, a denominated Taylor.) I find a Letter of yours (like the close of syrup after a Fart,) concluding that Tractate,
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usher'd in with the Licensed Physicians Encomium, that you are a Person of Quality; which although it might have been verifyed, (had you been indeed but the common Hangman,) yet my Charity binds me to an higher esteem of you; that you are the true Father of the whole Scribble in praise of that silly Cheat, which he (who hath been accustomed to Fa∣ther other mens Brats, as well as to endeavour to impose some of his upon them) lets pass under his own name, both in City and Country.
Knowing therefore Sir, beforehand, that you are a man of Quality, as such a Person I shall address my self unto you, and endeavour (being as∣sured what Predicament you stand in, so far as the Pen of a Botcher can ascertain me) to find out, if I can, your especial Qualities. And truly, Sir, professing my self a Scholar, (which honor the worst of mine Enemies dare not deny me.) I take notice first of your false Latine, (a very bad Quality) for which, should I take you to task as a rigid Paedagogue, and make you untruss for the first fault, your Breech would be bloudy, and too sore to sit on, if for all the lapses commited in that very short Epistle, you had (as you deserve) a several lash.
Next your Tautology, fie for shame! A Person of Quality, and yet in so short an Epistle, (that I am confident you would at your Execution con∣ceive a longer Ex tempore Prayer) four times to torture a Dyssyllable (in which an Emphasis lies) and could find no Synonymous word, nor Peri∣phrasis for Adage. Certainly Sir, when you shall have confidence suffici∣ent to pluck your Woodcocks head out of the Thicket, and (with shame enough) own your name, I shall send you a Sylva Synonymorum, that you may not so oft Re-seeth your poor Coleworts in your next E∣pistle.
Thirdly, I find you a pitiful, creeping, dirty, thing, in Addressing your self to him by the Title of Honoured Doctor; Who but a man of your Qua∣li•y would honour him in Print, that is not honourable? But Sir, I find in his book the Pills commended for the POX in Capitals, on which score per∣haps, he hath let you have as many as would serve turn, at half price; and so he may be honoured of you, that is not Worshipful to any in the world besides.
Fourthly, (And truly Sir, I have now traced you as far as the Oyster Wenches at Billingsgate) I find you an uncivil, lying, rayling fellow; yet though I call you Fellow, do not think that I account you my Fellow, though Mounsieur Le Quack have ranked you in the Predicament of Quale, yet I shall not reckon you for Aliquid〈◊〉, you may serve to make an Epi∣logue to such a silly Saltambanco's act, but if at any time you please to
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Address your self to me, do it in earnest, for I scorn to be made familiar with any of your Quality in jest. For your personal reflexions on me, let it suffice that I dare you to divulge your unworthy, yet wisely Con∣cealed name; or let your Patron (as I take him) but own your Lines, and I shall teach you or him, what it is falsly to reproach, and asperse a mans person with Calumnies, because he discovers (as both Duty and Charity oblige him) your Juggles, Sophistications, and Forgeries. But let my Book speak for it self. 'Tis not your barking (had you as many heads as Cerberus) can blemish my Reputation, nor will your slanders so cunningly cast (as not to make you answerable for your unmannerly A∣buses to the Law) at all enervate the undeniable force of my Demonstra∣tions made concerning the danger of Lockyers Pills, which accusation it were fit you should have answered, and wip'd off the imputations, with much (both) truth and justice laid on them: If I have had Misfortunes, and by them troubles, though they have grieved me, yet do they not shame me; and I do, and shall challenge any Stygian Cur of the blackest mouth, to discant upon my life and manners, but let him do it with truth, or let him own his name; and avow what he speaks or writes, and I shall effectually convince him of his Falshood and Folly. 'Tis enough to me that where I am known your Abuses will signifie so little, that it would be hard for me to prove (with truth and candour) my self damnified to the va∣lue of one farthing, by either the Quondam Botcher himself, or you his Zany by himself alone (in which I dare swear he is singular) Dub'd, and decla∣red a Person of Quality, unless it be of Rank Quality. Had you been a Voucher for him within this four years to have sold a Horse on his own score you might have been hang'd for your pains; and yet to have given him but twelve pence a head for all the Cattel he fed, might have made you hang your self for want of a Dinner: But the world is well amended. O blessed Absaloms Pillar! The man of Judgment wonders, and reports it of himself as a strange thing, that within this year or little more, he hath mended not only in his activity (Taylors and Botchers are nimble to the Last) but also in his flesh, being waxed in his waste he doth not know how; I'le do him the favour (in requital of his Post-script) to tell him: Since this new fangled Juggle hath blessed his Purse with Crowns (of which he boasts largely enough) he hath eat more good Meat, and drunk more good Drink, then in half his life before; and since his change of Linen, he hath questionless shook off, and cast aside some scores, if not hundreds, of his ancient hangers on and retainers; and can his wisdom be so at a Non∣plus to find out a reason of his growing fat and thriving? Certainly it is
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a sign of a weak judgment; Howbeit he is blessed with a happy invention, and that followed with a strange fortune; But oh the misery of answering Letters, after so great charge in paying for writing, and Printing so many books of reiteratedly altered Copies. What a plague this is that so pro∣found a Chemist and Licensed Physician, should have the ill luck to learn no more writing, then to be able to scratch or score up in Chalk, and after to Copy out in Letters; a Dog could not read, the particulars of a Botchers Bill, and to cast up the summe total in something like to Figures: Take notice therefore you that deal with him, that he can find some better im∣ployment to busie himself in, then answering Letters; Therefore that no occasion of troubling him may be pretended for the future, take notice what his Pill will do; By it all Diseases in general, the compiling of a Cata∣logue whereof in particular, with some other appurtenances to make up his Scribble or Pamphlet, cost him thirty seven pound in earnest, Printing and all accounted together, (or else the Knave told a strapping Lie to an acquaintance and friend of mine in jest) will be cured he knows not, nor is it any great matter how; nor dare any Malady, Sickness, Disease, or Grief, by what name soever, or title distinguished, stand in the body and look his Pill in the face, but must (Presto Jack) be gone and vanish, with this one and only Proviso, That if God have a mind, intention, or determi∣nation to kill a man, there this Bauble must fail ('tis well he was so mo∣dest) otherwise, Have among you blind hapers at all adventures, let Death muster up his whole Army of Diseases, and appear in the Field his forces shall be all routed and himself taken Prisoner; and he compelled (though unwillingly) to an honourabled truee. Therefore Gentlemen consider your interest, Nobles, Gentry, Yeomen, Mariners, Souldiers, come, here is Jack in a Box for you; Health at the rate of Red-Herrings, twelve a Groat, do not neglect your time, this profound Artist is Old, this oppor∣tunity will not last alwayes now is the season, he is making his last quan∣tity, which like the Widdows Oil, will never decay while he lives; but when he is gone, O sad, lamentable consideration! down goes this secret with Dust and Ashes into perpetual oblivion; then, then, it will be too late to cry, (had I wist) O brave Lionell! Well Quack'•Lockyer! Thou on my life shalt have the Whetstone, and a Golden handle and Chain to hang it at thy Girdle to boot▪ what need I say more? What shall I write? My book of Examination and Censure of this juggling toy is so full and clear, I need add nothing to it, nor was this necessary, had it not been to answer a Fool according to his folly, lest he adde this to his folly, to grow wise in his own conceit. To prevent which, that I may at Conclusion address
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my self to you, the Epistler to Lockyers Pamphlet, I take leave till your folly farther provoke me, and subscribe my self,
So Cordial a well-wisher to publick good, as to discover any Cheat, Juggles, Forgeries, and Sophistications, as may prejudice it, under what glorious and specious pretence whatsoever. G. S. A Philosopher by the Fire in spite of Momus or Zoilus.
A Supplemental Corollary to the Moderate, Discreet, and judicious Reader.
THou maist wonder Courteous and candid friend, to find me ingaged in so sory and sordid a combat, A Philosopher by the Fire, with a Botcher in Southwark; the Monomachy to speak truth, makes me blush at the thought of it: It is I confess (•mpar congressus) yet it is as true, that had there appeared no other then this illiterate Botcher himself, I should have been silent; But he obtrudes upon the world a Letter in a third persons name, and gives his word for him, that he is a Person of Quality. His Quality, his Language, false Latines, impertinencies, and notorious falshoods speak sufficiently, he barks securely because invisibly, Vox est, praeterea nihil, nihil dixi? imò Calumniae effrontes, & audacissimae, at{que} decumana mendacia: To convince him of which, it is necessary that he either own his unworthy name, or let Quack Fustian himself own and avow his lines, so as to justifie the truth of them; and I shall quickly catch hold of the Woodcocks bill, and perhaps force him to a Recantation in a pitiful tune. This Person of Quality, although I doubt nothing but that he is the Pen-man of the whole Scribble (such a silly Crutch, how feeble soever it is, Lockyer cannot be without) yet because strangers who shall read that Post-script and Letter (which were levelled and darted at me, with as much security in falshood as was possible) may judge the Epistler to be a man of better Quality, then he either is, or deserves to be thought; for Lockyer by mediation of his wonder-doing toy, hath gotten into the acquaintance of several persons of real honour and worth; and I might adde, fallen deservedly into the most just Contempt of many of them: Therefore it was that I unwillingly entred the lists of Contest, to wipe off the dirt which may seem to stick on me on that score, to such as have little or no acquaintance with me, or know∣ledge of me; and shall refer thee for thy information and satisfaction as to
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the ground of this quaarel to my book, Intituled, A Brief Examination and Censure, &c. Namely of Lockyers Pill, Hughs Powder, &c. Sold by Mr. Live∣well Chapman in Exchange Alley, and Mr. Joseph Leigh in Basing-Hall-street, in which at the importunity of at the least forty and more persons of inge∣nuity, I gave an account of its vertue, value, and danger, having been for a long time by Letters solicited even to weariness, to give my opinion concerning them, which I did, with that unanswerable Demonstration of truth, appealing to Fact and Occular proof for Confirmation of my Sen∣tence; that I am sure, it is out of the reach of him, or his Epistling thing of Quality, to Answer me, or Vindicate that most justly Censured and condemned Venome; I was alarm'd with threat of an Answer of ten Sheets of Paper, which after above a fortnights expectation, in vain I found at last dwindled to a pitiful sorry Epistle, remarkable for nothing but false and scandalous aspersions of my Person; false Latine, incongrui∣ty of sense and impertinencies; but not a word in Vindication of the safe∣ty and Excellency of the Pills; a Work not to be done, till he can get Con∣fidence enough, and mannage it with Impudence, to deny matter of fact; and say the Powder is not to be reduced to Antimonial Regulus, which experience will convince in as little time as a man may eat a soft Egge: On which Demonstration publickly to be made, I will take him up, if he dare, for as much money as he pleaseth, from five to five hundred pounds, which shall be deposited on each side, and let the tryal determine, whe∣ther the Philosopher by the Fire be mistaken; or Lionell Lockyer, have imposed on, abused, and wronged the too credulous Nation, to his great gain, and their, at best, great hazard; yea, in many scores of instances that I can pro∣duce inexcusable, undeniable, and I am sure unjustifiable detriment; fatal Tragedies having been the effects of those Pills, on the score of their Chur∣lish Venom; but especially by his indiscreet commending them in seve∣ral Cases (especially Fits of the Mother, indifferently and indefinitely) in which many of his own quondam profession, that is Botchers, and some Coblers, poor Nurses, and Midwives are so well skill'd, that they would receive the advice of a Vomit with trembling and horrour, especially so Churlish a Vomit as Antimonial, and its vitrifyed Crocus is equal to, if not worse then any of that kind in Venome, and Vomitive virulency, work∣ing with violence to Convulsions oft times and Swoonings; sometimes to dying out-right, a bad Remedy for Uterine fits, which can stop the breath and choak without any such provocation. But I repute it beneath me to inlarge upon so pitiful a subject being born and bred Generously, Edu∣cated from my Youth in Learning; and as for my Chemical Studies, this
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is the one and Twentieth year therein, during which time few have Ex∣ceeded me in pains, and unwearied Industry: Of my publick profession of the Art of Medicine, this is the Seventeenth year, as an Encouragement in which art in particular, as of Learning in General, I have had as much A∣cademical honour, as by the Conferring of degrees, Students and Practi∣tioners in Physick are capable of: This I write not that I take delight to hear or relate it, God is my Judge, but to let the world know I am not so Contemptible as Lockyers pitiful Epistling thing would represent me; And particularly I am in good deed ashamed of this Contest with him, who spent his Youth, and found his Old age before he attained greater honour then that of a Botcher, from whose Stall he leapt into the row of Physicians Licensed, and so with the Gravity of an Owl promising the Brains of a Woodcock, he salutes his customers in his book in his Effigies or Pourtrai∣cture, promising a Pill that will do as much (in re medicâ) as Nature will afford and allow off; It being the best preparation, and highest graduated and advanced; made of the best Minerals and Metals, the best of all earth∣ly subjects for yielding Medicines; Take this on his Experience and Word, and yet he hath a Medicine in preparation (of which he gives a hint) that will out-cure the other two Bars length and a half, in compari∣son of which the former will appear but a trifle, and so upon my Reputa∣tion they are both, if you dare take my word.
How he grew to be a Chemist, and by whom, and when initiated, I can acquaint the world; Molton of Hogg-lane, being his first and best Tutor; of whom he learned his chief skill; which how far it reacheth, and how he hath made it his continual study since he first learned any thing, to im∣pose upon the world, by disguising common and trivial Preparations; and how fatal I have still been to him, in discovering his abuses, former∣ly convincingly demonstrating his Fucu• and Deceipt, in tinging Mercu∣rius vitae (a common and very churlish Medicine) with Cocheneel, and boasting of it, as if it had been a profound Mystery; and now laying open this far more silly, yet infinitely more beneficial and profitable, Sophisti∣cate Juggle; How he as good as threw away his money upon his Master in Hogglane, because he wrote not down his processes and tryals, as a Contemporary scholar of old Moltons with him (still living) did, and can testifie for a need: How he wrought upon the Philosophers Stone, till he be∣came sine re, & spe, and from thence took a trip, and stood up close halled for the bay of Medicine, in which he hath cast out his sheet Anchor of a License, which yet (as all Licenses granted from the Bishops do) send him packing eight Miles off from London before it gives him Liberty to
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practise, which is a secret perhaps by him not understood; and had not I told him, 'tis likely he never would have understood it: If I should dis∣course largely, as I might, on all these Heads, I might perhaps make the Reader merry, but tire mine own', I am sure vex Lockyers patience; Therefore I shall conclude this Discourse here, nor re-assume the hand∣ling of it while I live willingly, unless provoked by his Rude, Uncivil Re∣proaches for future, under the borrowed disguise of some other Person of Quality; till which time I remain
A hearty Friend to all Sons of Art; and Servant to any that are Im∣partial, George Starkey.
Bartholomew Lane, second Door below the Excise Office, Dec. 9. 1664.
FINIS.